home again...

with sick kids that is. I have been taking this rare opportunity to update my blog and my photography shop. 21 days until my hip replacement. I feel like my death sentence is coming up.......I am literally counting down by hours. I have been trying to find every avenue to keep my mind busy and thinking about anything except my hip. Unfortunately, with every step I take I can physically feel the pain and then all those thoughts just come rushing back into my head.

I played collegiate tennis......and all my life I always thought I was invincible. Even when I gave birth to my children, I never thought that something bad could happen to me. I thought about my children and their health, but I never thought about ME. My biggest fear is not making it alive out of this surgery. I am worried I'll never walk again. These fears are unfounded based on the statistics and my age, but I have them nonetheless. I just want to be there for my kids and act young (I don't want to have the hip of an 80 year old woman)! When I get my new hip and I can take a long walk around my lake (in Vermont)....pain free....that is the day I will feel complete again.

I guess it helps me to write about my feelings because I feel a little better right now. No one discusses the depression you get BEFORE surgery. My anxiety is through the roof about this. I may put on a happy face and act like it's no big deal, but it's huge. I have never felt so helpless and so alone. Nothing anyone says to me is going to change that. Please let June 5th get here soon...............I just want it over with!